is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Randomize
