I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
