turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
