yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
