she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
