you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
