Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
