I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
