My nipple is on Facebook.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
There's always time for handjobs
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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