Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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