Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
