I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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