Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
