True but thats because hes a fetus.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
