alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown