Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
