Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.