so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty