Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.