maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Randomize
