he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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