textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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