omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
