if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
