This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
