Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
