he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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