Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
