Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I deserve this hangover.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
