I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
