every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
