1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
