WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
