Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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