that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
