pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
