I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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