Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
i think i just lost a toe
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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