my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Randomize
