I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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