So drunk, too bad you don't want this
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
