Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
