nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Is her dick bigger than yours?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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