loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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