Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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