No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I lost the right to judge tonight
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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