Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
