I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
