decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
