Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
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Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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