The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
