I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
