Sober January is a disaster.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
