Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
