Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
