Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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