I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
