I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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