I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
