I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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