Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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