I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
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It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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