My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
