Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
